Even though yesterday was the actual final day of 2012, I started mentally listing my
resolutions goals a few weeks ago. The new year, whichever it may be, shouldn’t be the sole reason for hitting “reset” on our lives, nor should it become obligatory to start anew. It’s human nature to be inquisitive of our own mortality, thereby quantifying it via age, life expectancy, and fooling ourselves into thinking that THIS YEAR will be THE YEAR. the next 365 days will be the chance to do everything we want to do, execute aspects of our lives which have been on hold or slowly bubbling into a finality, or to fill some void in ourselves which appears regularly to remind us that we are anything but perfect. So aim for perfection and completion we must, resolving to do so every cycle as we count down into our second/third/infinite chance.
2012, like every year, has had it’s moments. Both good and bad. There were more dark times this year for me than there have been in the past, but I’ve had some exceptionally supportive people who have not only snapped me out of it, but have been the confidence I’ve lacked for the past quarter-century. It’s far too messy to delve into now, perhaps in another rambling post, but the fact of the matter is that I’ve managed to remember and recount that SOME GREAT SHIT did go down. My problem, as always, is setting goals and then…kinda… sorta… executing them. Its like building a bridge, but only getting halfway across before another project catches my eye.
For instance, I officially started my Etsy store, down to logo design, business cards, packaging, and making the actual pieces of jewelry themselves. I fooled myself into thinking that I would be able to whip up new collections and be inspired continuously during the year. My problem was multi-faceted: I would design and draw and sketch. And then nothing would come of it, meaning the pieces would remain just lines on paper. OR, in an expected turn of events, I would grab my materials at 2am, some pliers, and BAM! A new necklace. And this would continue for a few days and weeks until I burned out. Granted, it had been some time since I’d made jewelry on a regular basis, but the initial burn-out resulted in my ultimately putting the shop low on my list of priorities.
It was no different with the artwork I had started on — I have 2 pieces sketched out on the freakin’ CANVAS. All I have to do is pick up a brush and start painting. [Really, Nita, it’s not that difficult.] But once again, I managed to neglect my creative spirit.
Which brings me to the question of my sanity.
I have rage. Alot of it. Some days it manages to somehow remain unaffected by external forces and lies dormant far beneath the surface. Other days, the disappointment and frustration brought on by other uncontrollable forces *cough*work*cough*people*cough tends to create a force of fury from inside my self that is unrecognizable. See, I have always had rage, but my non-school and non-work outlets allowed me to channel that anger and ultimate depression into something productive.
Yes, doing Speech and Debate kept me sane. Who knew?!
When I had the few chances to perform again this past year (coupled with the fact that I missed being on stage), I was centered again mentally and emotionally. Albeit for a small amount of time. But moving one step forward is still progress, right?
I also came to the realization that people spew a LOT of bullshit. WAIT. Let me clarify. I have always known people say things just to talk, to hear the hollow sound of their voices and their meaningless words. Duh. What I am referring to is that the ‘high school’ mentality which I was hoping to escape from I found clear as day in the adults I was surrounded by. People who would utilize our commonalities to bring some sort of attention to themselves, pushing me further into the background. People who [SURPRISE SURPRISE] used me to fulfill their purpose and then disposed of me and my talents.
I have to learn how to navigate that storm because adults don’t grow up. They’re just 16 year-old versions of themselves in their parents’ clothes, but the vindictiveness and brutality of their behavior still exists.
My plans (not ‘resolutions’) for this year include keeping to myself. Being a loner in high school worked out for me the first time, whose to say it won’t work again now? I won’t be eating lunch by myself in the library; more along the lines of preventing myself from being sucked into the drama created by others. Not only do I have to physically stay away from those folks, I need to learn to ignore them altogether.
As a friend tells me: WHOOOO SAAAA.
My other plans include creating again — whether its artwork, more jewelry for m!spunktuation, or an avenue of performing, I need to create. Without channeling my frustrations into productivity, I find myself suffocating and spewing hateful things because I cannot deal with the ineptitude of others. So yes, that means:
-sketching something, ANYTHING, every day. I’ve been following some INCREDIBLE artists on Instagram, and I’ve learned that regardless of how awful/okay/great I might be, I will lose all of it if I don’t keep doodling.
-performing. Whether it be on stage at the Alley (6 months until Open Call!) or in a commercial or even, FUCK IT, on YouTube. I want to tell stories and be characters who need to get their voices heard.
-write. The primary purpose of this blog was to write whenever. While I have neglected this poor thing as well, I will make the effort to write 4 times/week on here. But it won’t be fluff (at least, not all of it ha!). I have numerous articles planned, some DIY, some political, some poetic, some ‘thoughts on’ different subject matter. “Quasi on Stilts” was supposed to be a collection of my observations and reactions — it’s about damn time I use it as such. And yes, there will be cupcake adventures as well.
Besides the creative, I have a rather important self-assigned deadline: my career. my future. So that shit needs to get together, not just this year. I have goals set for each month, goals that are attainable if I just try. and stop being afraid of failing.
Cheers to everyone on this chance for change, progress, self-awareness, and hopefully, happiness.
[Well, we’ll see on that last one.]