return of the living dead. here, at least.

So, I’m back. Just in time to close out 2014, though I’ve already started on fixing things in 2015.

I know, another lapse in giving this space attention, the entire month of December just… gone. In a single moment, it seems.

While other blogs spent this week doing a recap of the previous 364 days, I started writing. Not here, obviously. It’s all introspection, so putting it here would be dangerous. Partially because there’s a lot — a LOT — which has happened that made me want to end things in this space, and partially because its all so cluttered in my head that organizing it here would be a pain for all involved.

I started writing in another space, a different blog-type-thing I had started years ago but abandoned as, at that time, it served more of a reminder of my failings rather than something to help me get out of that place of despair. Now that I find myself returning to such a place, it only made sense to sort out that mental mess before coming back here to put on a face and pretend. Again.

2014 was a rather eventful year — in both the good and bad, to be honest. I finally escaped from a soul-crushing job into one where I’m not only finding more to do with my skills, but have also found a place where my contributions are finally being acknowledged. I re-branded and took my shop into the world (ok, into the city of Houston), and found unexpected feedback from those who crossed my path. I started taking note of my inspirations and kept them in a physical place, so when the despair started creeping in, I could reflect on the images and voices which instead made me just a bit happy.

Creating has been in my blood as far back as I can remember, and I know that I allowed myself to keep from creating this past year. True, I churned out more pieces for the shop in the past 6 months than I have in years prior, but even that was not without its edits and limitations. I have lists of projects for this space, jewelry and accessory lines sketched out in various notebooks and scraps, and half-altered canvases lining my room’s walls… all waiting for some kind of realization that remains to be seen.

I have some challenging blockades to overcome, not only for this year but for every day after. Obstacles that aren’t visible to anyone but myself, doubts which plague me anytime I just try anything, words which continue to convince me my goals belong in the shredder. As much as I’d like to have an epiphany where I throw such negativity away and am whisked off into a world full of rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns (barf), all I can hope for is that I CAN continue to take steps forward.

collage 2014

I read an article a few days ago about ambition. Women tend to forget their ambitions because something — no, someONE — is holding them back, not just to discourage them, but to offer settling as the ‘better’ option. I remember having ambition when I was 5 or 6 years old, and the naivete that came with seeing my future in such a way. I need to unearth that ambition (sans the optimism) and somehow transform it to work for me.

Here’s to a year where moving forward is taken day-by-day, with fewer interruptions in the meantime.

 

Happy New Year.

-Nita

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